Friday, February 8, 2013

so close.


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Here I am a couple weeks ago at 39 weeks.

And now. 41 weeks.
41 weeks pregnant. Crazy.

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So how am I feeling?

A mix of things, mostly like I'm in limbo.
I think I've mentioned that before. It's even worse now.
I'm nesting like crazy. My dishes are done every night. My dishes are never, ever done every night.
My laundry pile is tiny. That never happens.
If I had the money and could completely remodel the bathroom in a few hours, I'd be in there right now yanking out the sink.

My brain... it feels like it's already trying to enter labor land before my body even has. I zone out very easily and it's hard to really focus on much at all other than thinking about having a baby.

It's so strange, I've done this before so I have this feeling of "I've got this". But then again, I've done this before, so I know what's coming, and it's a bit overwhelming sometimes. I've traded the excited, anxious, bliss of not knowing with my first pregnancy for the realistic, confident, and still a bit overwhelming feeling of knowing.
I do like the knowing, to be honest. I'm hopeful it will help guide me through those "what the heck is going on right now" moments better than last time, when because I knew not, it was easier to think something just must be wrong. It will be easier to trust in my body, and I so appreciate that.
I'm trying not to dwell on the pain.
It's birth. There will probably be pain.
That is ok. It's ok.
This purposeful pain will produce my daughter.

What are my fears?
My fears are not really around the birth.
I fear that we won't have the time to give to this baby. That I won't take enough pictures. That we won't love her as much as Ember. I fear that Neil won't be able to bond with her as well as he did with Ember. I fear that I will get overwhelmed by two little ones. I fear Neil won't go back to work for awhile. I fear he'll go back to work too soon. I fear that I didn't take the time to properly bond with this baby like I should have while I was pregnant with her. I fear that maybe I am so selfish and need so much "me time" and "me space" that I was pushing it as it was just having one child. I fear that this baby deserves the world and will I be able to give her even some small part of it? I fear the transitions, and even having all this time, being pregnant, knowing I was pregnant, still not feeling ready. I'm sad I didn't take more maternity photos of myself. I'm sad I didn't throw the shower/blessingway I wanted so badly. I'm sad I didn't embrace more offers of help. I'm sad I was too afraid to believe that anyone truly did want to help me out. I'm sad I let the drama of 2012 seep into my life, even a little.

I'm making it a point to pour all this out, because I know it's important. It's important to get it out. It's not good to drag it all with me to labor. It's normal to have fears and worries and sadness on things. And it's ok if they're huge or if they're minor. I don't want to be carrying it all with me through the birth.

But the birth? The birth I'm excited about. Even with the pain. Even with the knowing now. I have this immense trust and faith in myself. And my body.

Am I miserable being 41 weeks along? No. Not at all. It's a strange place to be, sure. But my girl will come when she's ready to come. No sooner, no later.
It's easy for me not to get caught up in all the "OMG. you're OVERDUE!" hype. Mostly just because I'm armed with the right information to keep me sane. I've gotten curious questions from quite a few people who don't understand why I haven't yet done any intervention at this point to get the baby to come. Quite simply, because, 41 weeks pregnant is totally normal and totally natural.

I will say, that I hate "due dates". It's nice I guess to have a general idea, but that whole due date completely pervades your brain after awhile. I seem to be on this crazy ride of counting each day past it, just like I was counting each day up to it. It's a bit maddening really. It's all an "around this time" date anyways. Babies don't come EXACTLY right on the day you hit 40 weeks, even if you know every detail about conception.

Some different things have started to happen and change over the past week. My body is definitely preparing. So far, every day we all wonder, and so far every day I'm still going to bed pregnant. There have been moments this week I've gotten so excited. "Oh, I have been losing a little mucus plug all day today!" "Oh, that was definitely a contraction!" But, obviously, it all seems to slow down, fade away for awhile, and I'm back to accepting that a watched pot just doesn't like to boil.
I've been talking to her, telling her that whenever she is ready I am ready. That we're all ready for her. That it's safe here. That she and I will do this together.
I have wondered here and there if maybe she is hesitant to come.
But I just don't get that feeling. For some reason, like Ember, I feel like she is more confident than that. I rather get the feeling that, she just simply will come, when she is ready to come.

I've gotten such strong vibes from both my children in utero. I don't even know why I let myself indulge in some of my worries because I just don't really feel any of that from them. They are definitely Neil's children. Just like with Ember, with this baby, when I really focus on her, I get a huge sense of peace and calm.

So I hope now that the hesitation isn't truly on my end. Am I ready to open up and let her join us now? There is a huge sense of safety right now, while I carry her. I am a fairly confident pregnant woman. I enjoy pregnancy. Is there a part of me just holding on too tightly? I'm trying to work through these feelings as well. Maybe in a way, I want more time to make this the perfect pregnancy, and keep preparing for a perfect birth.

Perfect is rather overrated and I'd never get to hold my babies if I kept waiting for it.

Which reminds me. How dang excited I am to hold her. To finally see her little face. Cuddle her right up next to me. And now my brain is back to baby bliss. I just cannot wait.

I like these feelings best.
Until then...

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