Sunday, January 13, 2013

so how am I doing?

I announced my pregnancy on here, but never really came back to talk about it.

I really did not want to be blogging about this pregnancy months and months later like I did with Ember's.

But how am I doing right now?

I am 37 weeks pregnant now.
I feel, like I'm in limbo.

I'm sort of at the place of just not knowing... when will she come? Soon, or later?
I feel this intense rush now to get everything done.
We still need some more diapers, for both girls actually (I do not want to still be washing dipes every day, would love to push it back to every other day...). I still need to get a few more things checked off the list of supplies for a home birth. There's some misc. stuff, like the fact that I need new underwear pretty badly (ha!) and I'd really like to have some more baby blankets since it's going to be cold around these parts for a few more months.

I think we have enough clothes?

It's amazing to me, that we actually have more now than we had when we started out with Ember, but I just don't feel prepared at all.

29 weeks pregnant.
(In November, 29 weeks along. Suddenly, or not so suddenly, I was really feeling it. Mostly tiny limbs. Everywhere.)

The house, in all honesty, is not as ready as we wanted it to be. Hopefully Neil can get the rest of the painting done, but it's looking doubtful that he'll get the wall rebuilt in the master bedroom or that we'll have that room ready for guests before the birth day.

It's ok, just more projects to keep him busy while he's laid off.

So far, he's been laid off again, not quite two months? We joke about how he'll probably get called back right before the baby comes. Who knows. I'm appreciating the help so much with Ember.

My only real, true complaint right now, is something I sort of hate to even think. But I am looking forward to getting my body.. back. I don't mean weight either people. What I mean is, it's uncomfortable most days caring for Em, the house, getting things done this far along. When it was Ember in there, I didn't have a toddler to chase around and I had ample time to put my feet up and chill. I'll definitely be happy for my body to a little less occupied. Whenever she wants to come is fine, but I'll definitely enjoy holding her in my arms instead of in my uterus at this point. I suppose that is a healthy feeling to have though.

I go back and forth most days. Some days I just want her here right now. No more baby preparation  no more nesting, no more wondering when. I just want to hold her, smell her, cuddle with her. Finally see what she looks like, who she looks like. Hold her skin to skin, nurse her, put tiny diapers on her.
Some days, I need more time! I'm not ready! We're not ready! How can this still feel like such a shock with this giant belly and an obvious person rolling around inside it? Some days, it really does.

And I look at Ember, and I feel uneasy. I used to have friends tell me all the time they weren't sure if they would ever have another baby, they loved their first so much. I thought that sounded so strange. When I decided I wanted kids, I knew I wanted more than one. What I didn't count on, was how freaking much I would love Em. And she's younger than I ever dreamed she'd be when I had another. How to split my time and attention between two. And, not really selfishly, how to still be able to make time for myself? I'm grateful for all the articles and blogs I'm reading saying how normal this is... some days I get bothered even thinking about it.
That's another reason why some days I want this babe here now. I'm ready for all of it, the rush of love and hormones and life. I'm feeling so over the waiting and getting ready. Ready for the squishy newborn-ness!!

There is the stress that comes with the unemployment. We get better and better about this every time. Some day though, I hope... I hope.. we do the right stuff with our money so unemployment stops being so grave.

Neil and I have been dancing around a bit with each other. His role has changed a lot since he is home more, and I'm less quick on my feet. He's experiencing Ember in a whole new way now. She's an official toddler, with the meltdowns and tantrums and curiosity to spare. He's learning how to communicate with her, how to navigate an entire day with her. I'm learning how to embrace the fact that she will be leaning on him more and more now, and even after he goes back to work. He and I are trying to be gentle with one another, trying to appreciate this time together. It's hard some days when the food doesn't stretch as far as you need it to (ohhh the appetites of a bored dad, a toddler and a pregnant momma!) or someone else is calling wanting to know when you'll pay them. Like I said, we do get better and better at this every time. Still though... still. It's hard.

I have become quite the bargain shopper. I spend so much time during naptime and before bed (usually while Ember is nursing or before she is asleep enough that I can slip out easily enough) browsing craigslist, ebay, and facebook b/s/t groups. If I had my way, I'd be at the thrift stores and consignment shops more regularly as well, but Em and Neil don't seem to enjoy them the way I do. Craigslist is my favorite. I found almost all of Ember's Christmas on craigslist. I'm getting crazy good with the search terms to find what I want. It's the best way though right now to get what we need. And honestly, I'm going to have two kids. Buying brand new seems terribly futile.

Tonight while I was in the bathtub, I felt a tiny foot rolling it's way along my belly. It's hard to squeeze those moments in this time. With Ember it was so easy. I had SO much time to just sit and marvel. I feel like this time around we just don't get to indulge in the pregnancy the same way. It alarms me in a way, makes me sad in another, makes this all seem way too fast. It's another reason why I'm excited to meet this gal though, because while she's nice and tucked away at the moment, it will be so much easier to enjoy her earthside.

I'm feeling the guilt that all my belly pics are on instagram. That I still haven't really blogged about her or taken better photos. I feel guilt that I still haven't slowed down. I feel  guilt about the strange year that 2012 was. I feel guilt for letting others into my head about this pregnancy. I feel... happy and sad that this pregnancy will over in a matter of weeks.
I've always felt like... my babies know my heart. I felt that with Ember very strongly towards the end, and after she was born. And I felt it again now too. I feel this radiating sense of peace from these babies. That they know... everything. Everything I haven't acted out or said outloud or stopped to reflect upon. It's a funny thing, but these small people seem to just get "it", how do they do that?

36 weeks pregnant.
(36 weeks. Now that I'm 37 weeks, anytime now, that's what everyone says. I say..... holy guacamole.)

So my task for myself tonight now that Neil and Ember are tucked into bed and asleep, is to catch this baby rolling around my tummy on video. I've got this last minute checklist of things to get done, and this one is very important for me to do!
Then, I'll probably go pee for the first of about 7 times tonight, tuck into bed, and with any luck sleep, sleep and sleep some more.
Gotta get that in while I can!

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