Monday, January 7, 2013

dumping the junk.

I'm always collecting the negative.
And kind of completely ignoring the positive.

Lately, I've been assessing and reassessing what the heck I'm doing when it comes to my personal relationships right now.
The best example, the one that keeps coming to mind, about what I've been doing, is that I've been dancing around like a... well, like a total jackass. And I just seem to keep dancing.

dancing.
(Em and I dancing to some Foster the People on Pandora the other day... can you tell we were supposed to be cleaning up the house, ha!)

I want you to like me!
Like me!
Please like me!
Don't say bad things about me!
Don't gossip about me!
Why don't you like me?
How can I make you like me?

The really... really... REALLY ridiculous thing about this is that there a many people in my life who absolutely love me. They accept me. I can be completely myself, I can be completely honest about myself, and I can exist loudly and proudly. They don't always understand. They don't always agree. But they still just love me.

They don't need to put me down.

And it always seems like I'm too worried about the people who want to put me down. Who want to judge the crap out of me. I want to dance and sing and please them. I want them to like me!
The people who do? I don't give them the time they deserve. I even let the perverseness of the other people and all their really wasteful crap in my head, and convince myself that no one must like me. No one must love me. I suck. I'm silly. I'm anti social. Nobody really wants to be around me.

I have GOT TO DUMP THIS JUNK.
Because you know what the majority of it is? Just my own doing. I take that tiny bit of negative and my brain goes into overdrive, creating and imaging all kinds of extras that aren't even usually true. Then I start to over analyze everyone's words, everyone's actions, every tiny thing that someone may or may not do.

Talk about sensitive.
It's one thing, to be sensitive to others, to be sensitive to the world, to have empathy, try and see both sides of things, try not to hurt anyone, etc. etc. etc.
It's another thing entirely to walk through life the way I have been lately. And honestly, for years now. Sometimes it's worse than other times.
Lately it's been on overdrive.

Enough is just really enough.

2 comments:

  1. I like you! And I totally understand where you're coming from.

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  2. <3 totally get where you are coming from. hugs!! (and a high five for doing something about it!)

    ReplyDelete