Monday, October 22, 2012

my pregnancy with ember: ember's birth day.

This is the hardest post to write, and I knew it would be. I just want to tell it right. I want to do it justice.

I remember some things so very well. What I don't remember, are all the things you usually find in birth stories like different points of dilation, specific times, exact moments and all that. Ember's birth just wasn't like that. I had no sense of time after about late morning. None at all. Which is heaven if you ask me because if I had it probably would have stressed me out majorly. As the day progressed on, I got into such a zone that specific details and certain points just don't register to me. I was only checked internally one time, and at that point I was dilated to 9.5 and just about ready to help this baby move on out, so I couldn't tell you at what points of dilation different things happened.

This story will be very loose. And very fragmented. I'm not sorry for that. I sort of love it. Detail oriented and specific me, spending this whole time zoned out and in labor. No times, no schedules, no machines, no numbers all over the place. It was bliss.

I can't make Ember's birth make sense to anyone who automatically just wants to think birth is awful, painful,  should be strictly monitored in hospital, or not worth doing naturally. If you have already designed ideas of how terrible birth is, then I'm just sad for that.

Was it painful? Yes. Was it amazing? Yes.

This was a pain with a purpose. A purpose so beautifully designed, that it would be crazy of me after years and years of human reproduction, to question or bemoan it. The creator designed it all too well, and I feel like it's better to try and embrace that, instead of fear it.

On the 16th, Neil and I went with Toni, Andi and Carlee (who just happened to be visiting for the week!) to Powell Gardens. We walked quite a bit that morning and I would need to stop here and there to rest. I remember feeling small contractions, and I enjoyed them. I felt full of energy, like I was buzzing. I said outloud that the 17th would be a good day to have a baby.

Later in the day, Neil and I had errands to run. While in the car driving, I had very sharp pains that radiated from my belly to my back and around again. This lasted for an hour or so. They surprised me but they weren't unbearable and again, I just felt excited.

Neil and I spent the evening at home. As I talked about in my previous post, we finally did my belly cast. I had this feeling like it was now or never. So I stood in the kitchen at 9 o'clock at night, getting my belly casted. I felt impatient towards the end of it, and wanted to cast off and to shower. I felt impatient just in general. I showered up and it was probably right before or at 11 when we went to bed.

The moon was full the early morning I went into labor. I remember that it was so bright and round.

I woke up to contractions about 1:30. I tried to just sleep through them, but they kept waking me up. I decided to just get out of bed about 2. I remember the movie "Zach and Miri Make a Porno" was on tv. I turned on the television after a failed attempt at taking a bath. I don't have a whirlpool tub people. Trying to lay in a bathtub and get every inch of my pregnant self covered in the warm water was just irritating. I hated that bath. So I dried off, and let the tv distract me. I remember laughing at the movie. I love Kevin Smith movies, because they just always make me laugh. The contractions were steady, I couldn't say how far apart or anything, but they kept coming with regularity.

I remember that after Neil got up, we started cleaning the house. I can't remember if I actually woke him up, or if he just woke up because he knew I was having contractions. But we started sweeping and vacuuming and working. I was not going to have people coming over to a filthy house. My house never really feels clean to me. I think because it needs a lot of fix up work, so it just looks unkempt. But I'm always trying to at least attempt to pick up and clean the floors.
Looking back, I remember reading about how it's a good idea to keep yourself busy anyways. I should have kept it up even after people started to arrive. Baked a birth day cake or something.

I remember that Ziggy Marley was singing "Get Up, Stand Up" on tv. I *think* it was a rerun of a late night talk show. It was about 4 in the morning or so. I was a bent over the birth ball, listening to him and working through a contraction. I remember thinking that I never wanted to forget that I was listening to Ziggy Marley while in labor.

Neil kept asking me if I thought he should start calling people. I said I didn't know because I'd never done this before. Everything felt brand new and foreign. I kept trying to figure it out and get a grasp on it.  I didn't feel scared, I just felt, unsure. I was sure I was in labor. I just didn't really know how much into labor I was. In a way, I wanted to laugh and dance about it, because here it was! But I also kept wishing time would stop for a bit so I could stop and figure things out. I didn't want to call everyone too soon, or worse for a false alarm. I liked the idea of people coming over but I also liked the idea of being alone.

Neil was terrified that the baby would just show up all of the sudden, and he really at least wanted to be talking to Sarah.

I remember the weather was beautiful. I did wish it would rain. But I love rain. It never did, it was sunny. Not hot though.

I don't remember who arrived first. My aunt Dixie was there. My grandmother. Toni. Hannah my cousin, who I asked to take photos for me. Then Sarah and her assistant Laura. I remember it feeling like a party then, once everyone was there. Neil or Sarah would squeeze my hips through contractions. I would talk and laugh until one hit and then I would get quite and just stare into space. I remember thinking about how much fun this was. A party during labor! I remember I talked about how intense the contractions were. I'm glad no one laughed at me, since they were only the beginning of what was coming. I had no idea.

I remember we didn't have a toilet paper in the house! Someone had to bring toilet paper.
Actually, that's pretty normal around here. We always seem to run out of toilet paper before people come over.

My great aunt made vegetable beef soup. She made a big batch and froze a lot of it for us. Homemade soup was so nourishing. I did not have any during labor. I didn't eat a whole lot of anything. I had some scrambled eggs I think. I know I had a couple cookies.. Hannah baked gluten free shortbread cookies during the day. I remember, she used wax paper with the first batch, instead of parchment and there was an urgency to get the burnt smell out of the house. I just laughed about it of course. They were awfully yummy cookies for all that trouble. Sarah had me drinking some electrolyte drink during hard labor that I wanted to throw across the room (not because it tasted bad, it was actually fine, I just really didn't want to sip it). But I didn't eat a substantial meal.

Ember's Birth Day
(me sitting on the couch, as family had arrived.)

Ember's Birth Day

Ember's Birth Day
(Neil using counter pressure on my hips during a contraction)

Ember's Birth Day
 (Belly! I wanted to share this one because of my stretchmarks. SO NOT something to hide.)

Ember's Birth Day

Ember's Birth Day
(my birth partner.)

We went outside for a bit, Neil helped me through contractions, Sarah and Hannah putting pressure on my back and hips for me at different times. It was a really beautiful day. I was sort of blissed out at this point, on this light little high and I'm not very sure why.

Ember's Birth Day
(more awesome pressure on hips.)

Ember's Birth Day
(contraction!)

Ember's Birth Day

I feel like for a couple hours, it was like this. I was having contractions, talking, laughing with everyone. Moving here and there. Over the couch, on the birth ball, outside, inside. The sleepyness everyone was feeling from the early morning was apparent though. I felt the fervor dying down, as nothing much was really changing or happening. Actually, my progression was seeming to slow down.

Ember's Birth Day

Ember's Birth Day

Neil took this up right away and began to feel like I was too distracted. We decided I could get in the birth pool if I wanted to. I did and once the water was ready, I stripped off all my clothes and got in. I never really questioned being naked at all. I looked back through the photos later and wondered why in the world I felt so comfortable to just get naked. But that was what I wanted to do. It meant a lot of strategic cropping and censoring to share the images later, but ah well. Boobs everywhere mostly. I kept joking while I was in the pool that I had "grown up boobs" now. My body was so different, as it had been becoming for months. It just felt so... adult. Purposeful, changed.

Ember's Birth Day
(waiting for the birthing pool to be ready.)

I see a lot of birth photos with moms wearing a bra or camisole. I just wanted to be naked. All I can do is shrug now. My body, my birth. I see lots of images as well of naked women during birth, which makes me feel better. It was weird to look back on it at first and not feel a bit silly about being so naked, but that's what looking back at something like that will do to you. In the moment, I needed to be undressed. I'm especially glad I had nothing on while actually laboring hard and pushing Ember out. Ugh, blah, I don't think I could have stood any fabric on me. I think it was just another part of the intense therapy that Ember's birth was. Nudity is not wrong. And a naked woman birthing is definitely not wrong.

The first go round in the pool, and my contractions were still slowed down quite a bit. For some reason at first, Neil was away for a bit, I think putting his shorts on or something, and I believe he and Sarah were talking. I just sort of relaxed in the pool, I chatted with Sarah's assistant Laura. I felt happy and light.

I remember that suddenly Neil was in the room, taking a heavy blanket and covering up the window. He got into the pool with me and everyone else was out in the living room. The house was pretty quiet. It overwhelmed me. I got very emotional at this point, even beginning to cry. I tried repeating different things to myself, that I was safe, that this was ok, that I could do this, that I needed to give into it. Mostly that I was safe. I remember crying to Neil that maybe I just couldn't do it. I began to feel like maybe this was all just a false alarm. Neil was very convinced that all the people and socializing made it easy for me to stay distracted, and he was probably right. I didn't feel very confident with any of it any more, and I wanted to have more time to figure it out.

Looking back it was easy to see how much fun it was at first, having everyone there, feeling like it was a bit of a party. Socializing, having people care for me. It was so much more fun to do that then get down to the business of birth! I realized just how scared I actually was, and how determined I was to avoid all these emotions that laboring and birthing meant facing.

I got out of the pool, got dressed and Neil and I went for a walk outside by ourselves. Everyone joked that they just figured I would be coming back with a baby. Wouldn't that have been something. I'm glad no one went with us then, I appreciated being alone with Neil. I remember my pace was fast though. Walking circles up through the yard, to the garage past Neil's uncle's houses and back down to ours. I felt this huge pressure now to start having contractions again. I felt like maybe everyone was here for nothing, that it really wasn't time. I felt confused that the contractions were no longer coming like they had before. Neil was trying to get me to slow down, to just relax.

Ember's Birth Day

Relax. Relax. Relax. If only I would have ever just focused on staying relaxed.
I'm not very good at it when I'm alone. I'm terrible at it when people are around. I can't make that make sense to anyone. I shouldn't have to though.

I started to feel frustrated with the walking, like it wasn't doing much good. I felt frustrated in general and then frustrated that I felt frustrated. We went over the mail box and checked the mail.
I remember, Neil received a red light ticket in the mail. He'd apparently ran a red light a couple weeks before. I went into the house saying, "I'm in labor and Neil gets a traffic ticket!"


Ember's Birth Day

I went back into the room where the pool was and tried laying down on the bed that we had set up in there. I hated laying down on that bed. Honestly, throughout all of labor, I did not want to be lying down. It felt awful and I was constantly thinking "why would anyone want to do this lying down??" It just wasn't for me. While I was on the bed however, my cousin came in and began to use her massage therapy skills to massage some pressure points on my hands and feet. These helped to bring about contractions again. The first massage of my life, during childbirth.

I decided to get back in the pool again, and this was really when I separated myself from everyone else. The contractions were beginning to come on strong, stronger even than before. I started to feel an intense need for privacy. I remember a couple people trying to touch me or talk to me at different points and I felt very resistant to all of it.

My water actually broke later on in the day. I remember getting all excited about it, and then I remember Sarah saying "things are going to be different now". Or something like that.
I still laugh hard about that one.
Different.
That was a very nice way of putting it.
Different.

This to me is when everything changed. There was no turning back and the contractions picked up immensely. I began to get to a place where I would have to accept what was happening to me and surrender. It scared the crap out of me. It pissed me off. I felt so angry and so betrayed.

Something funny, I remember I went to go pee at one point and before I got to the toilet I thought I might like sitting there better than being in the pool. But I hated it, it felt awful, and it pissed me off. I started yelling "those videos LIED!". "Those videos" being all the natural, home birth-y videos you watch in preparation for the birth of your baby.
I never saw a damn one of them with a scene like this...
(I loved those videos by the way, just so I'm being honest. I was just a bit huffy with them at that point..)

This might sound horrible, I don't know, but when I look back on this time during labor, I always think it was like being exorcised in a odd way. I don't want to compare birth to exorcism, but I want to be very clear about this birth meant to me emotionally. Not the pain, or the scene that was unfolding. Not heads spinning or forked tongues I mean, I was exorcising demons. I was slaying dragons. What was going on in my head, was the most intense type of therapy I've ever been through in my life. And there was no talking, I didn't want anyone to hold my hand. Even hearing a peep from family out in the other room just enraged me and distracted me. I was alone here, in this place. I cannot make that make sense to anyone. I don't have to. This was my job though, my work. I had all the support in the world, of course. But ultimately, it was up to me.

Every single day, going out into the world, I guard my body very closely. NO one will touch me without my permission ever. I do not like being handled, with love or not, without my permission. I have worked very hard over the years to feel in control of my own body.
And suddenly, here I was, having to completely relinquish that. To trust, to have faith, to yield, to jump, all of it.

I remember getting so pissed and feeling so angry. All these people, why didn't someone help me. Couldn't someone please just help me?? I remember Sarah asking me at one point what I wanted to do, and I remember telling her that I just wanted to writhe. I just wanted to writhe around in that pool of water. I couldn't make sense of the pain. I couldn't accept that this was happening. Wasn't there anything anyone could do? The power was too much. It overwhelmed me. Why wasn't someone taking it from me, why wasn't someone saving me?

I had to save myself.
For two and half years in therapy, I was talked to about becoming my own best friend. I was told to help the little girl inside myself. Embrace her, love her, help her. I never wanted to do it. I hated when my therapist would bring it up, I hated when she'd try to get me to talk about it. Someone else was supposed to care for that little girl. That was the whole point, she's a little girl. Why isn't someone else stepping up and taking care of her? You can see where I'm going with this without me having to spell it out, I hope. I've spent far too long just wanting someone else to take care of me. Why wasn't anyone just taking care of me??

And so, finally, at some point, I stopped fighting. I stopped resisting. I stopped trying to find a way out, I stopped wishing for someone to save me. I hunkered down in the pool. I gripped the edge, the handles. I got quiet. And I got to work.

I know at some point my poor grandmother came into the room and sat down on the bed. I immediately said, "I feel like a tiger at the zoo!" Meaning, I felt like a caged animal being watched. I felt so bad about that later, just because, I wasn't very delicate, but I needed space, I needed distance. I just did.

I remember that during contractions, I tried to moan and keep my voice at a low tone. I tried to relax my face as much as possible, though I'm not sure how well I succeeded at this, I remember gripping that pool with all my might. I'm sure Neil appreciates that I didn't want to hold his hand. In between the contractions, well, I have no idea. I guess that I just rested. I'm not sure I actually fell asleep. I definitely didn't feel like chatting, or anything. Time meant absolutely nothing to me.

I didn't like hearing talking or whispering outside the room. It pissed me off. I didn't like the talking inside the room! I did not want to be talked to. Sarah would ask me to take drinks of what I believe was an electrolyte drink, and I remember how irritated it made me. I didn't want a damn drink. She would tell me it was good for the baby, I think even Neil would ask me to drink it sometimes, and I would take a sip or two and push it back. Fetal heart tones were checked every so often, more often than I realize now I'm sure, I don't think it bothered me too much. I didn't really mind the drinks or the checking, or anything, I liked hearing the baby, knowing she was alright, I knew the drink was important and good for us both. But at the same time, I wanted to say "either jump in this pool and do this for me, or leave me alone!!"

I'm glad these people even still want to talk to me after all that...
I suppose some of this could make me just sound like a jerk. I don't know. I do know, that I felt how I felt, and I was in labor, and sweet or not sweet, I needed to be able to express how I was feeling.

I would cuss out loud through some of the pains. I would say things and then immediately apologize. I apologized SO much during this time. I didn't even need to, I just would because I am terrible about worrying what other people think of me. Even during labor. How silly. I remember Laura was so sweet and every time I apologized she would tell me it was ok, that I had nothing to apologize for.
I kept thinking, I'm being so rude! It's fine to laugh about now, and I don't know how bad it truly was on a scale compared to other women laboring. I just know it was kind of nice, kind of really nice to be able to just sometimes express myself. I shouldn't have apologized at all for any of it.

My aunt and grandma left at some point in the late afternoon, early evening to go get some snacks. I think they picked up turkey, crackers and cheese. Maybe other things, but I specifically remember the turkey and crackers. I was leaned up against the pool, the lights were off in the room, and dim in the others. But I could hear everyone talking when my aunt and grandma came back. They were discussing what I might want to eat, if it was even worth asking me. I thought I said, that I could not eat crackers (gluten and all that!) but apparently I was actually saying that I could not eat turkey. Which completely confused everyone because when did I suddenly stop eating turkey??

Both Neil and Sarah told me about it later, and I repeated that I said something about crackers. Apparently, I seriously did not though. That still gets laughed about all the time, how I suddenly just stopped eating turkey.

As things progressed and moved forward with starting to push, everything is completely fuzzy to me. I just remember suddenly wanting to push and so with each contraction I tried it, getting a little bit more confident each time that it was the right thing to do. Sarah had me lift up my left leg, so I was on my foot instead of my knee. Just to help open my body up and aid Ember's exit.

Prior to this and I believe it was after the "wishing to just writhe" but before settling down and embracing everything, Sarah did check me to see how far dilated I was. I believe I was at a 9 1/2 and just had some lip that hadn't yet moved. I remember when she asked me if I'd like her to check I thought, this could be very good or very bad. Good, being that if I was fairly far along, I was really progressing and closer to pushing Ember out. Bad, being if I wasn't fairly far along, I would get frustrated and bothered by it. Luckily, I was father along than I realized! This helped me understand why I was feeling the way I was feeling. I believe this little bit of info really helped me to see that I could in fact do this, my body definitely could in fact do this and is what helped to accept everything and let my body do it's work.

I don't know how long I pushed. I do know that I got pretty committed to it though, as it felt wonderful. It did frustrate me at times though, because it would seem like I was making lots of progress and I was just so certain Ember had moved down further than she actually had. I kept trying to check, thinking I would be able to feel her. When Ember's head did actually start to appear however, Neil told me to feel her head, "she has hair!". I wanted nothing to do with touching her head, I just wanted to push it out! Neil had moved around to the front of me at some point, ready to catch Ember as soon as she emerged. I can't remember if he did in fact feel her head or not, I need to ask him. That pressure was so intense. At one point I looked at Sarah and said "it's stuck!!"
(I completely scarred my childless aunt when I said that by the way. She seriously thought Ember was stuck.)
Yes, I called my daughter an it.
I know, I know.
I may not let her read this until after she's had a child of her own so she won't hold it against me too much.

Pushing out her head felt wonderful. Triumphant even. The rest of her body came smoothly after. Neil caught her, just like we had planned and brought her straight up to my chest.
She had her cord wrapped around her neck, which Sarah tended to quickly, and I wouldn't have even know if someone (Neil?) hadn't mentioned it to me later.

Ember's Birth Day
 
Ember's Birth Day

Ember's Birth Day

She wasn't super responsive at first, didn't cry outright and took her time to rouse. Sarah told us to talk to her, which seems so funny now, because you would have thought we would have been anyways. I think we were all, literally, in so much shock! When Sarah said that, we suddenly woke back up, the world started spinning again, we began speaking to her. She still took a little bit to cry, but was breathing fine and starting to pink up. I settled back into the pool, holding her, and Neil sat outside the pool, behind us with his arms around us.

When she let out a cry, oh my goodness, what a cry. She was so loud! We were waiting and waiting for this cry and then suddenly she wouldn't stop! I was sort of bewildered by it, that cry. I just remember thinking, "you're so alive!" Oh my little Ember.

Ember's Birth Day
(She let out quite a story! She just cried and cried out.)

I didn't really notice anyone else in the room still, I guess I heard everyone in the doorway, I think people were inside, I just don't remember. I still had no concept of time. Sarah was around us, checking Ember, writing things down, working. I don't even remember her really there though. I knew Neil was behind us, I could feel him and hear him. Everything else, just there, but not really there.

Ember's Birth Day
 (I love how his arms were always around us.)
Ember's Birth Day

We stayed in the pool a little while longer, then I got out to get in the bed. We positioned Ember on my stomach, covered with a towel. Neil laid down next to us and we waited. Sure enough, as we were hoping she would, Ember started making her way right up to the breast. This was one of the most amazing things I've ever seen in my life. If you've never heard about newborns doing the "breast crawl" look it up, check youtube, etc. etc. It's amazing. She worked her way right up the breast, and with a little help from me, maneuvering it around for her, she latched right on. It was thrilling in the most amazing way.

Ember's Birth Day

Ember's Birth Day

This was how breastfeeding started for us. She found me, and I helped her. There was no talking about special holds, schedules, no blankets, no hats, no plastic cots... just her little naked body wiggling it's way up my naked body and finding her way to comfort. I tell everyone I can about this when they ask about Ember's birth because it was just so profound to me. I feel like it was the very best way to start our breastfeeding relationship off. Later on, whenever I felt like we were getting off track, I would place her skin to skin with me all over again and have her naturally find her way. It never failed to help us.

Soon after, I started to feel contractions again. The placenta was ready to make it's appearance  I remember immediately thinking "really? more contractions?? I just did this!". I was a bit annoyed by them. I asked Sarah if I could just stand up to deliver the placenta, thinking this would help. It did and the placenta was soon out. My aunt and I had gone shopping just a couple weeks before for the perfect "placenta bowl". Standing in the aisle at Target, trying to decide what was large enough, what had the best lid. Yep, all for the placenta.

We had delayed clamping the cord and so, after the placenta was out, I was sitting on the edge of the bed, completely naked, holding Ember awkwardly (not on purpose, but I was). Neil and Sarah were working with the placenta, he was getting ready to cut the cord. There is a photo of this. I would share it, but it really is so graphic.The placenta is in the bowl next to me, Sarah is in one side of the photo, Neil in the other with the scissors/clamps/whatever the right name is. They're busy, looking down. But there I am, in the middle of them. Looking right at the camera. Holding my baby. Completely naked. Blood in all the obvious places, huge boobs, deflated belly, tiny baby in my arms. Smiling like a loon. Biggest grin ever on my face. And it sums up the entire day, that photo.
I did it.

Neil took Ember from me then, walk her around the room, talked to her. Ember talked back to him and I remember how much I loved hearing them both. I remember I loved that I was already home. I remember I loved every tiny detail of what was happening around me. Sarah checked me over and again, I have no concept of time here. I remember then Ember was weighed and measured. She hated that. I was suddenly feeling so full of vigor and excitement. It seemed though, like everyone else was completely wiped out and ready to leave. I remember feeling like it was time to party and yet everyone was cleaning up and getting ready to head home!

I really need to take a moment and thank everyone. Hannah, for taking my crappy point and shoot and giving me beautiful images I will cherish forever, for being a peer, a fellow home birther and for giving awesome massages! My madre, Toni, my grandmother Judy and my aunt Dixie for just being there and giving me my space and understanding that at any moment they could very well get kicked out of the house, and never ever holding my needs for space, whatever that meant at any point in time, against me. For putting their egos aside and knowing it was absolutely NOT about them or what they wanted. To Sarah and Laura, who are just plain amazing people. I'm so blessed that they both were here to help Neil and I welcome Ember earthside. And to everyone praying and thinking and waiting and loving us, thank you

I remember that the next day I felt so powerful. I kept wanting to shout at every visitor, "look at what I DID!" It was crazy how strong and brave I felt. A nice change from my usual self.

Ember's Birth Day

Sarah stayed for a little while longer, after she was all packed up, and helped us get settled into bed. It was fantastic to just be able to move and be in my bed. Ember slept on my chest that night, and we all slept very soundly. I don't think we were up past midnight at all. Neil slept so hard, he probably slept the hardest of any of us. I had no idea all that was going on behind the scenes, all that he was tending to, I never even really realized when he wasn't by my side. He caught his baby, scooped her right out of that water, just like he told me he would do. He worked hard to give me much desired privacy, even though I was the one who requested all the people, even though he had told me many times that he didn't think it would be what I wanted. He just... respected me. Loved me. Bore witness to his child not only being born, but his wife completely bearing herself to the core right in front of him. How did he not waiver? Whenever I've heard other couples talk about how their significant other wanted nothing to do with seeing the baby emerge, seeing even a bit of blood, being anywhere near a woman's lower half during birth, I'm so amazed. Vaginas and penises and sex and reproduction and birth and babies and boobs and breastfeeding and all of it, why is there such a huge disconnect now? I think about it all the time.

All the different ways Neil and I have bonded over the years... this one though, this one really showed me my best friend. Trusting him that much... and I'm not sure I've ever been able to accurately articulate what was really going on with me during Ember's birth to Neil. I don't know if I ever can. Every single little part of it, was healing. And his role, what he did, was huge for my emotional self. Of course I trusted him with my body before Ember was born, she wouldn't have ever have been made had I not. But now I had trusted him with much more than that, much more than just my sexual body. My entire emotional self was laid out before him. The natural, powerful woman that I am, laboring and birthing right in front of him.

Therapy I tell you! The entire day was therapy! I cannot even begin to get into all the ways I was healed, all the parts of me that were soothed and tended to.

Ah, my Ember. She looked like the grumpiest little old man. Her chubby cheeks and her fierce cry. She took no prisoners, that's for sure. It was like she injected me with light. I was always so dark, I always felt so dark. Suddenly, I just felt... bright. I felt like it was bursting out of me, there was no way to contain it. I remember thinking that this was all going to move too fast for me now. That I would have to spend so much time bonding and attaching myself to her, and just as quickly I would need to start learning how to let her go. I loved her so much, I love her so much. I feel like she deserves it all. Not material things, not stuff, not cuteness, not being told she's beautiful and perfect a million times a day. Healthy parents, happy parents, stability, nutrition, peace, comfort, love and love and love and love.

Ember's Birth Day
(Ember Sage Faye, 7lbs 12.5 oz, 20.5 inches long. Born at 9:33 pm.)

So as I finish this up, she's sleeping next to me right now. When she sleeps, she looks just like she has every night she has slept since she was born. She is the reason for so much purpose in my life, not just for her, but for myself. I deserve it, and she deserves a momma who has it.

I loved this day. Who I am because of it, embracing something like this, letting it do it's work, and letting myself become even better because of it.

Ember: Your birth changed my entire life. Your whole existence changes my entire life every single day. The saddest part to me, something I learned as soon as you were placed on my chest, is that you will never ever really know just how much I love you. Just how deep it goes. I will always keep trying to impress it, and it's ok because when you birth your own babies you'll understand just what I mean. I love you my Ember. I love you.

1 comment:

  1. So beautiful and so powerful! I love that I can hear your voice in your writing- there's no difference and this story reads just like a conversation with you :). Makes me want to go back and make my story make more sense. Thank you for sharing this!

    ReplyDelete