Tuesday, July 3, 2012

my pregnancy with ember: why I stopped blogging.

I touched on this before, when I started blogging again last year. I wanted to refer to it again though, because it all started during my pregnancy with Em.

It wasn't... on purpose.

When the nausea hit, it was sort of like a nail in the coffin though.
2010 was a strange year anyways, and my blogging as well as my creative time was lacking big time.

Plus, my thoughts were heavy. All. The. Time.
I did blog here and there about my grief after the miscarriage.
But here I was now pregnant.
And not ready to tell.
Still sad.
Feeling scared.
Trying to stay positive.
Keeping a huge secret.

I didn't feel like I could really honestly talk about anything that I needed to talk about.
I felt very stifled.

I could have kept writing about my grief. But then, that was all it would be. Lots of blog posts about how sad I was. None about everything else that was really gone.
I didn't want to just be the sad girl.

Everyone gets pretty tired, pretty fast with the sad girl.

So I just... stopped. And I hid out.
The nausea made it easy, it was pretty distracting.

I did try to blog again once the first trimester was over. I made plan after plan after plan. It just never really worked out. I used tumblr here and there, to announce my pregnancy, just to type something out once in awhile.
Once Neil lost his job right before Christmas, we were pretty busy with making ends meet. We even had to give up home internet for about six months to save funds. Then really getting prepared for Ember, it was just too easy to keep letting blogging go.
I got online at random places, with my little netbook. Mostly at my parent's house. At the plasma donation center where Neil donated twice a week. Anywhere I could catch a signal. But nothing ever felt reliable enough to start a project.
I didn't really do much of anything actually except a lot of planning, a lot of running around with Neil, and a lot of trying to stay sane/healthy.

I have to say, thank to everyone who read my previous blog, and left comments and sent emails about my absence. Thanks for checking in on me. Thanks for caring! Thank goodness for facebook, I was able to keep up with so many people that way.

Sadly, I feel like I also lost touch with so many people too. Not just falling out of touch, but my lack of creative time has really hurt the creative side of myself. It's a huge part of me, that I haven't nurtured very well lately.

Before, but really badly since Ember has arrived, I've missed blogging. I've been trying since she was about 3 months old, to make it work. It's not easy to "fit" into everything some days. I've got a full plate right now. And it's coming down to balance and organization. Some days it still feels like we're cleaning up from the layoff. Some days, it all clicks. I love those days.

Neil and I are working on planning ahead and organizing many things we've been bad about. We recently had a huge change happen in our household, which has really made things so much better.

But the truth is, life with Ember is busy. There are no longer entire days filled with scrapbooking, art journaling, blogging and dreaming, all while being active online. Some days I'm lucky to have a couple hours after Ember goes to bed to type a decent post. And sometimes (like right now!) I'm passing back and forth between my laptop and well... daily life, typing a few words here and there. I think this post has been worked on for about three days now! It's just... how it goes.

But there are lots and lots of great bloggers who balance family and life.
And I plan on getting there.

It's good to have goals right?

3 comments:

  1. I love reading about you. Just where you are. Happy or not. Good or bad. I like being "part" of your life. :)

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  2. i like reading anything you write, no matter what it is! i don't even blog anymore, i barely have enough to say on my occasional fb status update, let alone whole blog posts. but i keep my personal journal so that's ok :D you can only do your best, no one is asking for more :)

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  3. I'm very happy to read about you again! This morning I picked up your old scrapbooking pages and I thought about you... :-)

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