Monday, April 30, 2012

my pregnancy with Ember: the funny thing was....

So, let's now lighten the mood a bit after my last post, which was pretty heavy!
I don't mind heavy.. at all.
But this makes me laugh and I feel it's only right to share this since I'm doing this little series about my pregnancy with Ember. It was... a bit of bright light at what felt like such an uncertain time. 

Whenever I think back on this, it always cracks me up. Mostly because this is how it goes when I get all obsessed about making something happen. When what I need to do is relax, and trust and let go. Relax. Trust. Let Go.

Someday I'll figure that out.

a rainbow, august 6th, 2010.
(a rainbow over our home, August 6th, 2010.)

If you read through all of my previous post, then you'll remember that I mentioned that for about 2-3 weeks in August I was darn obsessed with becoming pregnant again. In fact, I'll just paste that entire paragraph here, so you're not having to click back to the post if you don't want to. (I understand, I have too many tabs open already as well.)

"The second and third weeks in August, I became obsessed with getting pregnant again. Obsessed may not be the right word, it's the closest one I can think of right now. I read stories every day about pregnancy after miscarriage, religiously kept up my chart and obviously, made sure I was doing what I needed to be doing with Neil to get pregnant. A lot. I was one of those women, turning sex into a chore. Luckily it was just for those couple of weeks, and I eventually chilled the eff out, so I hadn't made Neil completely crazy yet."

To be fair, I think towards the end of all that... errr... "trying" I was driving Neil a little crazy. He even said to me one day, "Actually, I don't think I want to."

And if your husband, partner or friend is anything like mine... well, then that's a strange statement. It's one of those statements that make you want to take their temperature or something.

Like I said, eventually I chilled out about it. Thank goodness.

a rainbow, august 6th, 2010.

During my first prenatal appointment, I had an ultrasound. (More about that later.) They gave me a due date and dated my pregnancy. Armed with this information, once I got home, I counted the days back to get a general idea of when I got pregnant.

I'm fairly positive I got pregnant in the first week of August.
Which means, if you're still following, that all that "trying" was well.... for nothing. Because, Ember was already camped out in my uterus.


Neil did not think it was funny at all when I told him.
He said something like, "You almost made me hate sex. I didn't think that was possible, but you did."
I however think it is hilarious.

See, Ember was a funny girl even just days after conception!

And so, still to this day, I laugh about this. Because there she was. While her crazy momma and her sweet daddy were thinking they needed to make a baby, they already had.

I have always felt like my pregnancy introduced me emotionally, very early on to my darling girl. Way before she was ever earth side. All I had to do was pay attention. So many moments have led me to believe different things about my daughter. Her strength, her wisdom, her power. How could she be anything but all those, to so bravely come and join me during this uncertain time in my life? To so bravely be my daughter now, even when my faith in her was shaky and my heart was so badly broken?

She was already there.

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