Friday, March 30, 2012

people throw rocks at things that shine.

I'm sorry I've been away so long.
I've been in a funk.
Mostly one driven by trying not to feel guilty by people who just want to make me feel guilty, getting super anxious by trying really hard not to get anxious and constantly trying not to listen to gossip about me, how I live and what I do.
I'm starting to feel a bit better.

in the mirror.
(Taken in february. Ember thought seeing me laugh in the mirror was too much fun.)

Because I'm thinking this way... I cannot keep spending SO MUCH TIME GIVING A EFF ABOUT WHAT YOU THINK. Good, bad, or otherwise. I just can't. I have a tendency to run and hide and avoid and pull away and it only gets worse from there. I've been letting what everyone else says, and what everyone is saying that everyone else says completely fill my brain. It's annoying.
I OBSESS over what everyone else MIGHT be thinking.
Or what they said.
Or what they didn't say
Good grief.

You know what I like to do when I feel like this... or rather, when I want to stop feeling like this?
I type out long, loud, rude, blog posts full of cuss words and ranting and raving. About whatever is bothering me. And then I don't post them. I get it all out, maybe edit a little here and there. I seriously get so close to clicking that "publish" button. I have a whole bunch saved in blogger actually. They will probably never actually get published. I usually walk away from them, giving myself some time to think about it, see if I need to make changes later. Usually, just typing out the words was enough and I don't really need to post it. At all. The purging has been done and there is no need to go public.

I want to share and discuss what I love in this life. What I believe in. What I do. How I live. Why it works for this little family of mine.
This blog isn't always going to be sunshine, because my life isn't always sunshine.
But it isn't going to dwell on the hate and the haters.
"Promote What You Love Instead Of Bashing What You Hate."

So... can I blog like no one is watching? And further more... can I live out loud like no one is watching?
Can I stop giving a beetle's behind about ALL THE JUNK?

Goodness, I hope so. Otherwise, I'm going down.

1 comment:

  1. I love your blog. Just had to say so. I've been a lurker on this and your previous blogs for... I don't even know how long. Since the "The Art is Found" (I think that's what it was called). Anyway just wanted to post and say hi.