Wednesday, February 1, 2012

monday night. tuesday morning.

Monday night I bought shampoo. We'd been out for a week and despite (or because of?) scrubbing with conditioner, my hair was a greasy mess. I was so very excited to take a hot bath and wash my hair, after I put Ember to bed.

I washed it twice. It was glorious.
You take these things for granted when you live in town. When shampoo is five to ten minutes away.
You take these things for granted when you're childless, and getting up and going is just no big deal.

I got out of my bath and it was pretty late. I still had a whole night to rest though and was looking forward to the sleep. Ember however, had other plans.

Poor baby. I still have yet to figure it out, there probably is nothing to figure out, she is after all, a baby. But she woke up a few times that night. Just woke up and started wailing. She didn't want to nurse and she wouldn't go back to sleep. She just cried. Which is very unlike her.

Sometimes Neil soothed her. Sometimes I did. But by the very early morning, as Neil was getting ready to leave for work, I was wiped out. And grumpy as heck. I'm sort of.... not good without sleep. Ok, this is an understatement. I'm pretty awful with no sleep.
Ember is a pretty great sleeper. We co-sleep and she is nursed and that all makes a huge difference too. She's always slept pretty good and we all work very hard to make sure everyone gets the sleep they need around here. It's not unusual for us to all take a nap on the weekends or for one of us to be napping while the other spends time with Ember. Sleep is important.

And here we were, not sleeping.
I was pissed at myself for staying up to take a bath. I was pissed that I couldn't figure out why Ember kept waking up like this. I was pissed at everything. I was sleepy and pissed and acting like a very ugly person.

Finally, at 8 in the morning, when she woke up yet again, wailing, I sat straight up in bed. I looked down at her and I said, "Ember, what is wrong with you! You don't want anything, so just go to sleep!"

Mother of the Year over here.
And I put my face in my hands and just sat there for a minute. Feeling very tired and feeling completely guilty for even saying that outloud to my infant daughter. Ember was even more upset now, looking at me with confusion about what I'd just not so nicely said.

I picked her up, I placed her against me, I rocked her hard and I apologized for being such a bear. Such a mean momma bear.

This isn't my first ugly moment. This won't be my last ugly moment. This won't even be my worst ugly moment I'm sure. I worry more about the ones that will shape and mold her later on, but that's another conversation for another post. That's just human, that's just life. But geeeeeeze it sucks.

playing in the window.

I kept her close, mostly carrying her around all morning. We spent a lot of time in bed, while she played and I folded laundry. I was putting stuff away when I turned to see her playing in the window, with the blanket we use to keep the sunlight out during naptime. (We're still figuring out blinds for our funny sized windows).

playing in the window.

It ended up being a beautiful morning.

playing in the window.

And right before her nap, she was so sleepy, that she just laid her head right down and fell asleep on my shoulder. And all I could think was, this makes anything I was so pissed about last night completely and totally forgettable. It does! I was still tired, still longing for a nice stretch of sleep. But I'd get one later. That moment was bliss.

playing in the window.

You keep it all in mind, that your baby is helpless, that your baby isn't doing any of this personally, that your baby just needs comfort, and on and on and on. It's always there. At 2 in the morning, it's still there, making you feel guilty because despite your best efforts to keep it all in mind, you're still just totally pissed. Because you're human and you're tired.

I'm human, I'm tired, and I have a beautiful baby girl who still wants to lay her head on my shoulder and has the cutest little tushy ever.


  1. You're human...and you're a wonderful mamma. Love you.

  2. I. love. your. blog. That is all. :)