Friday, October 21, 2011

I can't help it.

Some days, I just think about it. 
And I don't think about it to get attention, or because I just love being sad, or because I can't be grateful for what I have, or whatever other junk judgement someone wants to throw my way.

There is a very real, very strange thought. If I had them, I wouldn't have Ember. She is here right now, because they are not. 
Having a baby heals, in unexplainable ways and perfectly explainable ways. But there are some holes it doesn't fill. Period.

Contrary to that old saying, "you'll have other children" and the ones like it, it isn't about, it wasn't about, just having a baby. I want them all here. I want to know them all. 

It's so confusing some days. I get it, I wasn't very far along, I didn't even know I was having twins until I ended up in the ER. I've never experienced the death of a living child, or a stillbirth or on and on and on and on. I try to downplay my feelings about this all the time.

Pain is still pain. It doesn't matter how it compares to others, and it doesn't matter where it falls on the scales of importance or what's worse.
This isn't worse. This isn't easy. This isn't right. This isn't wrong. It just is.

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