Tuesday, August 30, 2011

so where did I go?

Oh boy, this week has been a doozy. For everyone waiting for emails and messages, bear with me, I'm working on them! And where the heck did September come from anyways? Tricky time..

Anyways.

I stopped blogging in September of last year. It was combination of things... the biggest one though, was the new pregnancy.

Not only was I feeling sicker than I'd ever felt in my life (haha, seriously, those few weeks were insane), but I was sort of, kind of, well, freaked out.
I had this huge feeling that I needed to hide away, if that makes any sense. Neil and I did not really announce our pregnancy to family until between 12-15 weeks along. Before that, only about 5 people knew.
I just needed to protect my heart this time around. I think Neil and I both were holding our breath for quite awhile.

If you read my last blog at all, then you probably know that I tend to lay it all out there, for the most part. I just couldn't keep blogging with something so huge in my heart. It was all I thought about, and yet, I just couldn't share it. For the first time, in a very long time, I felt an intense urge to just stay quiet and still.
Once I moved out of the first trimester, and the nausea was a strange memory, I had every intention to start up blogging again. Announce the pregnancy. Start documenting everything.
I don't know why though, I just couldn't.
I just still felt too tender about it.

Right before Christmas, and after viewing a healthy little baby girl dancing around in the ultrasound, Neil was laid off work (awesome timing right?). He's still laid off, so it's been about 8 months so far. It was a struggle for us to find our footing again, and we're still working on it really. Being 20 weeks pregnant, my only priority became keeping stress down. Blogging has always been a huge comfort for me, I love my "online life" if you want to call it that, I love my friends and the relationships I have with all you beautiful creative folks. But most of the days at this point were spent just getting by and getting through.

We eventually gave up home internet for a few months and that didn't help matters. (I started to go a little crazy actually, thank goodness for my parent's wifi!)

I started to really, really, miss it all about two months or so before I was due. And then once Ember arrived, it took a few weeks before I starting thinking about it again. I will probably say this more than once, but Ember's arrival into our world has been one of the most peaceful events in my life. I had no idea how much worry I was actually carrying around about giving birth a healthy, living baby. Once she was here, I couldn't believe how calm and free I felt.

I am bummed about my absence for a couple reasons. The biggest one being that not only did I not blog, but I also didn't take the time to document my pregnancy like I wanted to. I know these are just excuses, but the first few months this was mostly due to fear, and the last few months it was mostly due to just trying to get by.
The other is that I just know how much I would have enjoyed sharing my pregnancy with all my friends, and I think it would have been so great for myself during these more stressful months!

I want to say thank you to everyone who reached out to me, and know that even though I was hard to reach these past few months, I so appreciated all the love and support!

I do plan on playing catch up in a major way. So mixed in with daily posts, I will also be documenting a lot from the past year or so. Hopefully it won't feel to jumbled up, but I need to get all this down now, while it's fresh.

Blogging is one of my favorite ways to do that.
It feels SO good to be doing this again.

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