Tuesday, August 23, 2011

likable.

I've been writing and rewriting this post since last week, it's time I just finish and post it.

The other day, I was nursing Ember in a local cloth diapering store. (sidenote: I love being in places where I can just nurse, no questions asked, no funny looks, just complete normalcy. ahem.)
I started chatting with another mom there, one who had been at a get together our midwife had a few weeks ago. She recognized Ember and I, and we got to talking about diapers and teething necklaces, you know, momma stuff.

After she left, I asked Neil, "Did I do ok?"
And he said, "What?"
And I said, "Did I do ok? You know, while I was talking to her. I wasn't super annoying or anything was I?"

Neil and I have this conversation a lot.
And he hates it.
I remember when I was about 5 months pregnant, Neil was trying to convince me to check out some "new mommy" groups, get togethers, etc. I kept putting him off and giving different reasons why it wouldn't work. I finally just told him, "Neil, people don't like me."
Yeah, I said that.
Like a five year old afraid to go to school.
It sounds really pitiful right?

But most days, I really believe that.
I talk too much. I say annoying things. I am not clever enough. I'm not very pretty. I'm too quiet. I'm too loud. I'm dorky. What I have to say does not matter. People just don't like me.

I sort of accept it most days. I suppose that I do have a few possible reasons why I think this way, all long stories. I truly do know it's really silly most of the time. But still, that nagging fear is always there.

In fact, a lot of the relationships I do have, I believe are because of Neil.
People love Neil. He's just an all around nice guy. He's fun to hang out with, to talk to, and people are happy to be with him. I usually assume that since I'm his wife, I'm just part of the deal. If you hang out with him, you also have to put up with me.

When I am around people, I feel very self conscious. I over analyze everything I say. I go over every conversation, every facial expression, every possible thing I might have done wrong. It's exhausting. And why do it? Why do I obsess over what every. single. person. thinks about me.
I've had myself so convinced about how unlikable I am that I've brought myself to tears.
It's so self sabotaging and it feeds fears and anxieties that don't need anymore fuel.

I've let go of a lot of relationships because of this.

Just a few days ago, I posted something on facebook that alluded to this. It was a weak moment. I was feeling panicked about upcoming decisions I had to make and different ways I was going to have to "put myself out there". I try so hard not to fall into the trap of posting vague and over emotional status updates on facebook (those can get you into trouble, or drama or just... annoyingness) but my emotions got the better of me that night.
I am not sharing that to fish for compliments or have a pity party (really). I just, needed to say it. Out loud. Get it off my chest. I kind of love getting things off my chest.

Our previously mentioned midwife, Sarah, just shared this link on facebook, and I thought, exactly.
Read it if you get a chance. Because I'm thinking... more people feel this way than I realized.

"Your thoughts create your reality."

IMG_0661editbwone
(january, 2011)

"If we can start to accept and be who we are, we just may realize not only that it’s okay, but that most other people think it’s okay, too."

IMG_0664editbwone
(january, 2011.)

I'm not sure where my thoughts go from here. I'm working on slowing my brain down, redirecting my thoughts and just plain stop obsessing.
If I could do anything right from here on out, it would be that my daughter does not live/think this way. Normal insecurities are one thing... but the daily belief that you're just outright unlikable.. that's not ok.
I set that example... I don't want her seeing a fearful, insecure momma.
Not at all.

5 comments:

  1. I am the same way. We have so much in common. I think we could get a long just fine. I am constantly thinking I NEED to say something interesting. Why dont I have something interesting to say most of the time. LOL! Oh well time to put yourself out there and in time it will get easier...:) I love ya, so you have one friend that wasnt because of your hubs. xoxo

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  2. Oh I'm glad you wrote this entry. How anyone can not really love you I don't know. I am with you in the sense I do over analyze every conversation I have with people and later think I sounded stupid or maybe put my foot in my mouth.. but I am overly social. I have a mother who was very outgoing and made friends with everyone. She makes friends with everyone.lol. I think I just get it from her, because thats how I saw her interact with everyone. I do sometimes take what people do as a sign. I don't need much to be dis-swayed from contacting them. Like if I am the one always calling the other person to get together I will soon stop that because I feel that they don't want to hang around me or they would call once in awhile. But usually its just they are busy and forget to call. I've had trouble making friends the older I get. I've made most of my newer friends through mommy groups. I hope you give one or two a try. Try to find one not too big and you'll know after the first meeting or two if there is anyone in the group you will connect with. Logan has friends from when he was 3mths old that their mom's are still my close friends. Most of the time they meet at the mall or a local park or something. Good luck to you. You can do this! *hugs* ALSO!! if you can find a local La Leche league they have weekly meetings with other mothers who are breastfeeding and you talk about any problems or having issues with places not feeling its normal or whatnot to do in public. You'll find like minded moms!! Get out there you won't regret it. LLL is free meetings too. My best friend is a leader of one here in my local area.

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  3. That's definitely going to have to change, pronto! But I get ya. It's hard to put yourself out there and be vulnerable (as a shy girl, I feel that constantly) - I can't even imagine how much *more* of a load feeling like this must put on your mind. Goodness! I definitely don't think it's true - there's no way in the world that *everybody* doesn't like you! I think we're all socially awkward in our own ways, at times (think of the opposite - those people who are so loud and friendly that they sometimes miss hints or overstep boundaries). You just have to come to terms with your own version of awkward and that's *you*! Don't be afraid to put it out there. Even if you are, just make yourself do it - odds are you'll be happy you did. And who cares if that one person maybe doesn't like it? There's always someone out there who will. Or who feels the same. And you will one day, and so will your daughter - it just takes a little work to love some things about yourself sometimes. :) Hugs!!

    And I'm super-happy you're blogging again, hun. :)

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  4. I don't know Neil. I've never met him. I only know you... and I've known you (cyberly) long enough to have seen you in highs and lows, good and "bad" and I have to say. I like you. I like you alot, and I like you just the way you are. Here's to mommas that show their daughters how to live with grace. :)

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