Friday, July 22, 2011

tender.

8 days old.
I'm feeling a bit tender today. That's the best way I can think to describe it.

I'm always so amazed by people who (seemingly) go so confidently about life.
I hang on to everything. Overanalyze. Obsess over everything I probably did wrong or why someone certainly just doesn't like me. Apologize to everyone for every little thing.

Sensitive doesn't even begin to touch the surface.
It's annoying.
And really sad.

And so, still, two months after giving birth, as I feel my body, my brain, my emotions and all those crazy hormones settle back into their spaces... I just feel tender. I feel soft and exposed.

Every time I look at my daughter, I just feel my whole heart burst wide open. I suppose, that in this time of falling in love over and over again with my offspring, I have also reached a place where other emotions will hang out at the surface.
I don't want to be thicker skinned.. but maybe a little more trusting and a little more confident would be nice. I like being sensitive, believe it or not. Sometimes it overwhelms me... but I enjoy feeling my emotions and being more able to sympathize with others. The low self esteem though... that can go away any day please!

I'm just a tender girl right now.. I have a whole new way of living to navigate and figure out. I suppose it's probably perfectly normal to feel a bit unsure and emotional about it all some days. And so, my whole heart is wide open and I feel very exposed these days. But.... open is good. And each day only brings more love into my life. I'm hoping, that I can learn to trust in that love, and believe it.

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