Tuesday, August 16, 2011

I finally cried.

So, before I gave birth to Ember, I was pretty sure that once she was born, I would cry. I'm a crier. It's just what I do. And I remember, that once she was finally in my arms, I couldn't possibly cry. No tears came to me. In fact, I just felt this incredible beaming coming from inside me.

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I was pretty sure that at any moment I could burst, not into tears, but into just massive rays of light. The feeling was incredible.

And since then, I have had teary moments, while just watching her sleep, thinking about how quickly she is growing, etc. But still.. not a good cry.

Last night, while following a link I saw on facebook, I ended up watching a few home birth videos that people had shared. (I love watching vocal women give birth... for awhile after Ember's birth I was pretty sure all my hollering was silly of me. I've since changed my mind.) After about three videos, I looked down at Ember and just immediately started to cry.
And I cried for a nice little while. While I held her hand, stroked her face, played with her fingers.

And all I could think, over and over and over again in my mind, was:
She's alive.
She's just really and truly alive.

I am guessing most of this was because of the miscarriage, and just being pregnant again so soon after (though maybe the time frame wouldn't have ever mattered). I had many days while I was pregnant, anxious about whether or not I was actually going to give birth to a live baby... to a real, true, healthy, living baby. In the early days, sometimes I would convince myself that I wasn't even actually pregnant - that it was all just a trick!
A grieving brain a guess. I don't know. Grieving the miscarriage was strange to me. Part of my brain understands the facts, how common it is, the whys and the realities. The other part... well, it could care less about any of that.

But once Ember slid out into that water, I just remember feeling like: YES!! Look at this person I grew, and nourished and loved and birthed! Look at how alive she is!

So last night, I finally had a good cry. For myself and my daughter. Thank goodness for her life.

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