Sunday, September 15, 2013

making good.

I've been going through a serious blogging crisis ever since Ember was born.
Wait... no, it's been before then... after the miscarriage... once I got pregnant again. And maybe even months before that really. Life has felt incredibly satisfying, but incredibly tumultuous since then.

I'm being laughed at right now, I know, and I'm being a wee bit dramatic, but it's true.

Who am I now? What do I want to blog about? Am I sharing enough? Am I sharing too little? Do I really want to share this? Do I really want to keep this to myself?

It's weird... having kids and living in this crazy technological world. It makes me paranoid while at the same time it has always given me a huge sense of freedom. I honest to goodness, love it. I always see the positives over the negatives. And there are negatives.

I love blogging. I always have. I love writing and composing and sharing and discussing. I like being somewhat transparent. I like sharing my creativity and my day to day life.

I have a pile up of try and try again blogs that I've started and abandoned since 2011. I really just... need to find my voice again. And it's hard. I keep searching for fresh and easy and new. I think the truth of it all is that I need to also put in the work. Keeping up the blog I want to keep is work. Always was. And it was always work I enjoyed. Cultivating and keeping my blog was for me, I did it for me and my own documentation. Being able to share it all was a bonus, and it also fueled me to keep going.

I was hit by some things that actually and completely just shut me up. Some I didn't see coming. Some I caused. I couldn't type them out, I didn't want to address them. I couldn't fully complete the thoughts or tell the truth and I tend to be an all or nothing girl. It's hard when personal relationships, people who would see this place, are involved. I'm not good with having open wounds to ignore. Either it's all out or it's all in with a lot of things.

I've been bitten by crazy hungry creative bugs lately. I can't get them out of my brain or my heart. I've got various things going on. But mostly, raising my two girls right now is the most time consuming. And it's all passing so fast. Suddenly my sweet newborn is 7 months old. Suddenly, I'm looking again at having just a wee bit more time, where creation and craft is now possible. And having done this once before, I also know that this window will grow as each month passes. I want to grab all this now, this energy, this intense need, because for the past three years, I've lived without it.

I'm going to start working on this again, and composing posts. I'm going to be changing around most of my online accounts, organizing and streamlining, so that they reflect simply what I'm working towards now. I have a lot of clutter to cut, honestly.

I also want to address and report progress on quite a few of my goals. A lot of them have to do with patching up and rebuilding. A lot of them are about my own education. Many of them are creative. Some of them are personal. Some of them are a lot about mending, healing, trying. But I want to put it all out there.

I just want to make good. No, I want to make really good. I feel potential oozing out of me right now and I'm always going to regret it if I don't take advantage of it. I regret that enough as it is...

And so, it's time to start.

Monday, July 1, 2013

right now.

Neil's 29th birthday was Saturday.

My aunt took these photos of us:



And this is us right now. We've had hair cuts. Our babies are so big and working so terribly hard on independence while also very surely keeping us in their sights. We are coming to the end of an overtime job that had Neil out of town and spending way too much time away from us. We are feeling overwhelmed. Messy. Understaffed. Excited. In debt. Grateful. Ready to move forward.

So many things have started happening. My heart just wants to move forward. For the first time in a very long time, I don't want to hash too much out. I just want to keep going and enjoy life. That is feeling like a very healthy place to be.

Tuesday, April 9, 2013


Neil and Ember went on a walk through the woods late yesterday afternoon. He likes to take the girls outside when he gets home. It helps us all through that crabby and busy time of day. I was able to get Alti napping in the wrap as I made dinner though, so it was just the two of them this time.

I met them at the door as they came back up to the front yard.
Ember was trailing a bit behind Neil, stopping here and there to check out her toy lawnmower, move a clump of dirt, pick up a rock. Neil told her I was there and that she could "give me the flowers now".

So there she is, running up to me, these three stems clutched so tightly in her left hand.
"Fouwers! Fouwers Momma!"
"You fouwers!"
That is what she said.


My whole heart..... just.... gah.


She saw them on our shelves in the living room this morning. She was tickled to see them, and started talking about them all over again.
Neil told me last night they would be ready to toss in the morning, but they stood nice and tall. I'll keep them until every last blossom has fallen off. I'll keep the empty stems even, til they're dropping right down into the jar.

Such sweetness from my ornery baby girl. Such sweetness in this whole life with her.